


there's nothing here, but what here's mine

by LiviaStyles



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adam Parrish Has No Chill, Adam Parrish Loves Ronan Lynch, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, POV Adam Parrish, Romance, Ronan Lynch Has Feelings, Ronan Lynch Loves Adam Parrish, Ronan Lynch is Bad at Feelings, Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-11-08 21:38:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17988974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiviaStyles/pseuds/LiviaStyles
Summary: Adam Parrish was used to doing things alone.What he was not used to was a Ronan Lnych who didn’t ask for Adam’s approval, who didn’t wait for Adam to accept his help, who just helped him without either of them realizing that he was, in fact, helping Adam.Or:The one in which Ronan notices that Adam has trouble sleeping and wants to help him with it, but he’s being very Ronan about it.(An alternative version of BLLB, of some sorts.)





	there's nothing here, but what here's mine

**Author's Note:**

> Title is taken from Placebo’s ‘Every You Every Me’. Obviously the feeling of this song doesn’t really fit the Pynch feels and relationship, but this particular line just kind of spoke to me :)  
> Also, please note that I started writing this when I was just a few pages into BLLB. Now that I’m uploading this, I’ve finished the Raven King (omg, does someone still want to talk about it??), but when I started writing this, I was just halfway into the series. 
> 
> Also, this fic wasn’t really planned out, the first three sentences just got kind of stuck in my head and I kind of just went from there. Also, this is set in BLLB, but ignores the events after Ronan and Adam were at the barns together for the first time (when Ronan told Adam about Matthew). 
> 
> Also also, English is not my mother tongue, so I hope I didn’t make too grave grammatical errors!  
> Have fun reading and please tell me your opinion!  
> Livia xx

Adam Parrish was used to doing things alone. He was used to not asking for help and also quite used to refusing any help that was offered him, mostly from Gansey.  
What he was not used to was a Ronan Lnych who didn’t ask for Adam’s approval, who didn’t wait for Adam to accept his help, who just helped him without both of them realizing that he was, in fact, helping Adam.  
Adam was definitely not used to a Ronan who left a dreamt-up lotion for his hands in his car. And what he definitely wasn’t used to – partly because he definitely wasn’t expecting it –was for Ronan to be showing up on his doorstep one evening, not waiting for Adam to let him in, just letting himself in and then sitting down on Adam’s chair like this was his place, not Adam’s.  
And it kind of was, because Ronan kind of helped paying Adam’s rent. Neither of them had really spoken about it since Adam had told Ronan that he’d come to the realization that it must indeed be Ronan who was responsible for the change in his rent. 

“What are you doing here?”, Adam asked once he had closed the door behind Ronan. He didn’t bother with any greetings, because neither had Ronan.  
Ronan didn’t reply immediately, instead taking Adam’s half-finished essay in his hands and leafing through it with interest.  
Adam wasn’t sure whether he should repeat his question or not. He knew that Ronan would answer him when he deemed it the right moment and he also knew that there was no point trying to extract any sort of information from him until Ronan himself was ready offer it.  
When Ronan finally was done with inspecting Adam’s essay, he turned around to him, looked him in the eyes, then quickly looked away, then said:  
“The ley line. I’m drawing energy from it when I’m dreaming, right?”  
Adam just nodded, not sure where Ronan was going with this. 

“And you – you’re something like Cabeswater’s magician, right?” Adam just nodded again. He could guess where this was going now, but he wanted Ronan to say it out loud.  
“So can’t you do something about it?”, Ronan asked, staring intensely at him. Adam refused to break the eye contact first.  
“I don’t know”, he replied truthfully.  
“I don’t really know how all of this works, myself. Wish I would, though.” He didn’t say anything else. He felt that he didn’t need to, because Ronan knew. He had seen him scared out of his mind by another one of his ‘Cabeswater episodes’ just a few days ago.  
“Fuck”, Ronan just said.  
Neither of them said anything for a few moments, Ronan picked up Adam’s essay again. Then, suddenly he asked him: 

“You have trouble with sleeping too, don’t you?”  
“Yes”, Adam just nodded. He didn’t say that he’d already had trouble sleeping way before Cabeswater, before any of this had really started. All his life, as long as he could remember at least.  
“What if we dream together?”, Ronan finally suggested. Now Adam didn’t know where this was supposed to go anymore. And besides, it would probably never work, would it? Neither of them knew much about what it meant being a Greywaren but he was fairly certain, that a Greywaren couldn’t dream together with normal people.  
“We’ve done it before and it worked”, Ronan now said, as if he had been reading Adam’s thoughts, as if he knew what Adam was thinking right now.  
He probably did, though. With Ronan, you could never be sure. 

“But won’t this just draw even more energy from the ley line?”, Adam now asked, remembering what Ronan had asked him first.  
“You’re the magician, though. Maybe you could balance me out.” Adam hadn’t thought about that before. But what would be the result of this, them, dreaming together? If Ronan just wanted to start dreaming again without drawing energy from Cabeswater and the ley line he could’ve just said so. Expect that this was Ronan – he didn’t ask for things like this. He expressed himself in other ways.  
By now Adam was sure that there must be something else behind it entirely. Something that would benefit Ronan – or, maybe, just maybe, him – that he didn’t see yet.  
“So what you want is to try to dream together so you can do your Greywaren thing without depleting Cabeswater?” 

Ronan just snorted at Adam saying ‘Greywaren thing’, but nodded and smiled that snake smile of his.  
“Exactly, Parrish.”  
“So?”, Adam asked. His interest was picked, now. He wanted to know what Ronan’s ulterior move behind this was. He wanted to know what Ronan really wanted from him.  
“So what?”, Ronan asked, irritated. He placed the essay on Adam’s desk again, instead grabbing one of Adam’s books.  
“Well, how do we do it?” 

“How the fuck am I supposed to know, Parrish?”, Ronan asked him.  
“You’re the Greywaren, for fuck’s sake”, Adam replied, exhausted. He was so tired of fighting. Fighting with Blue, fighting with Gansey. Fighting himself. Fighting that ever-present anger inside of him. He just wanted a quiet moment for himself for once. No fighting, for once. And bickering with Ronan certainly wouldn’t give him that.  
“Swearing doesn’t really suit you, Parrish”, Ronan just said. Then, suddenly he got up from the chair – only to throw himself down on Adam’s bed.  
“What are you doing?”, Adam asked him. He was starting to feel like this would lead nowhere. Like this would just end in Ronan being Ronan about things again and them bickering endlessly, without achieving anything.  
“Well what does it look like, you fucker? You know, considering that you’re top of class, you can be incredibly stupid sometimes.” Adam didn’t even really have time to feel offended about that, because Ronan added sarcastically:  
“Don’t you think that one has to be asleep to be able to dream?”

Adam chose to not answer that one.  
“So should I, like, um…”, he gestured helplessly to his bed. Ronan snorted again and shook his head, grinning. It was a grin Adam wasn’t quite sure he was meant to see, though. It seemed to be more of a private grin. Like when you think about a memory you’re quite fond of and find yourself smiling because of it. He was thinking about what kind of memory Ronan could possibly have thought about, when Ronan interrupted his thoughts yet again:  
“I mean, if you’ve mastered the art of sleeping while standing, suit yourself, but other than that I’d suggest you come here, Parrish”, he patted the small space of mattress that was left free next to him.  
Then, as if he’d just realized that he nearly occupied the whole bed, he shifted a little to the side, making more space for Adam.  
Adam laid himself down next to him. He couldn’t repress the shudder that went through him when he felt all the places that he and Ronan were touching: their legs and hips were touching and their heads were so incredibly close, Adam could’ve sworn that he felt Ronan’s warm, uneven breath on his skin. 

He nervously scooted away from him, trying very hard not to look at Ronan. Just when he thought that he had put as much space between them as possible without him falling out of the bed, Ronan said:  
“I think it would help if you were touching me.” Adam was about to point out that their legs were still touching – was his bed really that small? -, when Ronan added:  
“Intentionally.” He was looking right at Adam then and Adam could feel the way that Ronan’s gaze was touching something deep and buried inside of him. He suddenly felt very nervous. What was he even doing?  
Lying in bed with Ronan Lynch, because he suggested that you two dream together, he thought. He found it best not to dwell to long on that. 

Carefully and hesitantly he grazed Ronan’s left arm with his fingertips.  
“Um, like that?”, he asked nervously. He didn’t know why he was nervous all of a sudden. Ronan’s breath hitched, just for a second. It was over so fast that Adam could’ve sworn he’d imagined it were it not for the way Ronan’s gaze still seemed to be staring right at Adam’s soul.  
“Yeah, just like that.” 

 

*

 

When Ronan woke up in Cabeswater, he was alone. It hadn’t worked. Of course it hadn’t. It’d been a pretty stupid idea to begin with and Ronan wasn’t even sure why he’d decided to go through with it. No, he knew why, he just didn’t want to admit it.  
He got up from the grass and called out Adam’s name. He felt stupid doing it.  
Of course it hadn’t worked, of fucking course. Just as he was thinking that, he felt something move behind him. He quickly turned around – only to see Adam.  
“Shit Parrish, don’t fucking make me have a heart attack!”, he swore, trying to glare at Adam, but failing quite exceptionally at it. Adam only smirked, which was very unlike Adam Ronan thought. Maybe it hadn’t worked after all. Maybe this was just another dreamt up version of Adam.  
Yes, another one. It was embarrassing to admit that, seriously. 

Then – so suddenly, that Ronan didn’t even have the time to prepare himself for this, Adam grazed his hand with his fingertips, still not saying anything. Would this have been any other person instead of Adam, Ronan would’ve just snarled ‘don’t fucking touch me’, but seeing as this was Adam, he could only stand there, transfixed and stare at Adam.  
He was such a goner for this boy, it wasn’t even funny anymore. Because dreamt-up lotion, seriously? Asking Adam to dream together and pretending that he was only doing this so he wouldn’t deplete the ley line with his dreaming any longer, when in reality he was trying to find a way for Adam to sleep peacefully without Cabeswater preventing him from getting some well-deserved sleep?  
Ronan couldn’t exactly pin-point how it happened, he just knew that he’d fallen hard for Adam Parrish. For Adam Parrish, the self-acclaimed one man show that beautiful but broken soul who refused any help whatsoever because he had to prove a point. Probably more to himself than to anyone else, Ronan thought.  
Adam Parrish out of all people. 

But it had happened. Maybe it was the way that Adam didn’t pressure Ronan to be giving answers he wasn’t yet ready to give. Maybe it was the way how Adam didn’t plan out an entire future for him based on the fact that he was a Greywaren. Maybe it was the way Adam had never really questioned Ronan’s Greywaren abilities after he’d described them and how he didn’t declare Ronan delusional when he told him about the possibility that maybe he could help his mother.  
But maybe it had also been the way Adam hadn’t exactly protested after he’d figured out that Ronan was paying his rent. Which was a very unlike Adam Parrish thing to do.  
If Ronan was honest with himself: that was probably the moment that he’d realized how hard exactly he’d fallen for Adam. Because this moment had left him wondering about the likes of Adam Parrish for days and days. 

And now here he was: dreaming in Cabeswater once again, with Adam kind of holding his hand. But was it really Adam though? It was ridiculous how much he wished that it was the real Adam and not just a dreamt-up version of him instead.  
“Adam?”, he asked.  
The other boy only looked at him. He let go of his hand, only to now lightly graze his cheeks with his fingertips. Ronan didn’t know what to think anymore.  
Adam was still not saying anything? Why didn’t he say something? But Ronan wasn’t really about to question that, because right now, Adam was leaning in even closer, so close, that there foreheads were touching.  
Too close.  
Ronan inhaled sharply. Adam still didn’t say anything, he merely smiled at Ronan.  
A very small part of his mind began seriously questioning, whether this was really Adam, or just a dreamt-up version of him. 

However, Ronan tried to ignore that part of his mind and tried to take in everything at once: Adam’s closeness, the way his fingertips were still touching Ronan’s cheek, the way he looked at him, the way Adam’s warm breath ghosted over his skin.  
This was too much for him. Ronan was sure he wouldn’t be able to take any more. Not when he’d wished for this exact moment to happen for way too long to admit.  
Adam leaned in even closer – 

Ronan heard them then. The dream monsters.  
His night horrors.  
He didn’t even have time to look at Adam, to see his reaction because almost immediately after he’d heard them, they were down upon them. Clawing and screeching, tearing at his skin, tearing Adam apart in front of his eyes – 

*

 

Ronan jerked awake. His heart was pounding, his was breathing was uneven and choked. Adam was awake in an instant. Ronan brutally tore his hand from Adam’s grasp. Adam blinked, trying to shake the dizzy feeling of sleep away from him.  
“Ronan?”, he croaked, alarmed. Ronan didn’t say anything, he just stared blankly ahead of him, shivering. Shivering? Adam blinked once again, but it was still true, his eyes hadn’t betrayed him:  
Ronan Lynch, of all people was shivering. Something was very, very wrong. 

“Ronan?”, Adam asked again, carefully. Ronan still wouldn’t look at him.  
“Ronan?”, he tried again, this time lightly touching Ronan’s upper arm with his hand. Immediately, Ronan flinched under his touch and jerked away from him. When he finally looked at Adam, his eyes were wide open.  
Adam had never seen Ronan look like this before, so dishevelled and scared – so real. So undone. Adam didn’t want to admit what this thought was doing to him. He knew that Ronan didn’t feel the same way, he just couldn’t. He was Adam Parrish and as nice as it was to pretend that Ronan might be capable of having a crush on him – of all the people he could have – it would never be reality.  
Adam was Adam, someone like Ronan could never truly care for a broken soul like him. 

“You – you didn’t dream with me, did you?”, Ronan asked him then, pulling him out of his thoughts. Adam shook his head.  
“What on earth were you dreaming, man?”, he asked Ronan. Thankfully Ronan had interrupted the same thoughts he’d been having for a few weeks now over and over again and focused his thoughts instead on what was important right now: Ronan jerking awake like he’d had a nightmare. Which was most definitely true.  
“You’ve had a nightmare, didn’t you?” Ronan was still sitting beside him, not moving, like he was frozen inside.  
Slowly, Ronan nodded. He didn’t elaborate any further. Adam sighed. 

It hit him then, in that moment that he really, genuinely cared about what Ronan had dreamt. And it also hit him that he didn’t only care about that. He cared about Ronan in general.  
Not just in the ‘Gansey’s our mutual friend, so I’m kind of obliged to care about him, because Gansey is our mutual friend’-way, but in a true, genuine way. He cared about Ronan because he wanted to.  
He cared about him because he had the feeling that with Ronan, he could truly be himself. He didn’t have to hide from him, or fake anything for Ronan. He wanted Ronan to feel as save with him as Adam did with Ronan.  
It was strange to associate the feeling of being safe with Ronan, but also not that strange at all, Adam thought. Because he did feel save around Ronan, in a sense that he’d never experienced with other people before.  
This realization both scared and thrilled Adam. 

Just when he was about to ask Ronan, what he’d been dreaming about, Ronan said, so quietly that Adam nearly couldn’t hear him:  
“You were there, though.”  
“What on earth happened?” Adam couldn’t imagine some dream involving him, having Ronan jerk awake in the middle of the night. Unless-  
“Doesn’t matter”, Ronan grumbled.  
“It does”, Adam insisted. He didn’t know why he was being so persistent. He just knew that he wanted to know. He had to know, he really did. 

“No, it fucking doesn’t, alright, Parrish?”, Ronan snapped, putting even more space between himself and Adam.  
“What did I do?”, Adam asked him then. He knew, he knew that it was selfish and preposterous to just assume that it was indeed him who kept Ronan up at night. But still, he had to know, once and for all. He had to if he was a total fool when thinking himself safe with Ronan or if, maybe, just maybe, he wasn’t the only one feeling like this.  
“Just leave it fucking be, Parrish”, Ronan snarled, without looking at him. But Adam couldn’t – wouldn’t – let this one go.  
“No”, Adam simply insisted, staring at Ronan. Ronan’s gaze was furious. It was this exact fire about him that Adam admired. The way Ronan could give himself over completely to things he cared about. The way Ronan could burn with his passion.  
Adam never wanted to see that fire burn out, never. 

“It’s not like you really care, is it?!”, Ronan snapped, frustrated. He had risen his voice, but he wasn’t yelling. Yet. He wasn’t looking at Adam anymore, instead glowering at the door to Adam’s bathroom.  
“Well, I’m sorry to say this, but maybe I do! Maybe I do care!”, Adam exclaimed, sounding just slightly louder than he had before, but a lot more agitated.  
Ronan whipped around, a tight, fake grin, looking more like a grimace than anything else, plastered onto his face.  
“Don’t make a fool of yourself like this, Parrish”, he said, voice sounding agonized now. 

Adam couldn’t bear this any longer. The pained look on Ronan’s face, the utter agony in his voice. Maybe he really was making a fool of himself right now. So what? He’d spent his whole life disciplining himself, holding back on everything, never daring to let anything slip. Because of his father, mostly. Sometimes because of school and work. A few times because of Gansey. He’d spent his whole life time holding back, maybe it was finally time to just not care, even if it was only for a moment.  
“Maybe I’m only making a fool of myself because otherwise you wouldn’t understand me”, he said quietly, getting closer to Ronan. Ronan gave him a pained, irritated look.  
When Adam had closed the space between them again, they were so close that Adam could feel Ronan’s warm breath ghost over his skin. His knuckles grazed Ronan’s arm. Ronan flinched and was about to pull back, when Adam leaned in even closer.  
“I care Ronan, I really do”, he whispered, just before he closed the last bit of distance between them and kissed Ronan. 

Ronan was frozen to the spot, it was like kissing a statue. For a moment, Ronan didn’t react at all. When he finally did, he pulled away with so much force, it shocked Adam.  
“Don’t”, Ronan got out. He couldn’t look at Adam, couldn’t bear it.  
“Don’t do this, Adam. Don’t make this worse.”  
So there he had his answer. Adam had anticipated a lot of different reactions from Ronan when he’d leaned in to kiss him, but he hadn’t expected this.  
Ronan wouldn’t even look at him. For a moment, there was a heavy, painful silence between them. It was Ronan who broke the silence.  
“This”, he whispered, so quietly that first, Adam wasn’t even sure, if he’d heard him correctly or if he was just imagining things.  
“My dream – it was – this – don’t do this, Adam, please.” Ronan sounded so wound, so agonized, it killed Adam that he didn’t know what he could do to make it better. 

But then Ronan did something even more unexpected.  
Adam had turned away from Ronan, but then he could feel Ronan grabbing his arm, turning him around and the next thing he knew, Ronan was kissing him.  
Ronan was kissing him.  
This kiss was different. It wasn’t perfect, but at least it didn’t feel like one of them was going to pull away the next moment.  
This kiss spoke of their desperation. Adam couldn’t think anymore, not really at least. He could only think about Ronan’s hands on him – one on his back and one tangled in his hair -, the body heat that Ronan permeated, the way Ronan’s shaved head felt under his fingers. Ronan’s mouth on his.  
They were burning, both of them. 

When Ronan pulled away this time they were both gasping. Before Adam could get his thoughts together, however, Ronan said:  
“You were nearly kissing me in that dream and it was driving me crazy. Then my night horrors appeared.” Normally, Adam would’ve tried to get Ronan to open up more about his night horrors, but right now he was fuelled by Ronan’s words about him. ‘You were nearly kissing me and it was driving me crazy’.  
“I’m sorry”, he said immediately. He had a feeling that he understood Ronan a lot better now, right after his confession.  
“For not thinking about what you could’ve possibly dreamt about, I’m-“, he didn’t know how to finish his sentence. He didn’t want to apologize for kissing Ronan, because, apparently it was something that they’d both wanted. But he also didn’t know how to convey his feelings with words.  
What he wanted was to tell, show Ronan what he felt.  
What he wanted was to kiss Ronan again. 

“You’re a really lame magician, Parrish, you know?” Ronan grinned. It was that grin that immediately eased all of the tension inside Adam.  
“And here I was, thinking that maybe you could actually do some mind-reading. I have to say, I’m disappointed.” Adam laughed. Ronan turned towards him. That laugh – he was pretty sure that Adam was quite capable of killing him with that laugh. This warm and carefree and private laughter that Adam only reserved for Gansey. And, apparently for him too, now.  
Adam noticed the way Ronan was looking at him. It was like Ronan had been starving for years.  
He didn’t know what he was doing. He didn’t know what it meant, feeling save with Ronan. He did know, however that Ronan was not something to be played with. Adam didn’t want to play. He wanted to understand. 

Adam realized then that he’d only had a glimpse of the real Ronan Lynch. He didn’t really understand Ronan, only the small bits Ronan was willing to give up of himself. But he so, so wanted to understand.  
And if he was going to set himself on fire whilst doing so then that was a risk he found himself very willing to take.  
“So…”, he started, unsure of how to continue.  
“Do you really want this?”, Ronan interrupted him.  
“I don’t want this to be an act of pity or what-not”, Ronan quietly confessed, while still looking at Adam.  
Adam adamantly shook his head. And there was that grin again. 

“I kissed you, because I wanted to-“  
“Shut up and kiss me then, Adam”, Ronan interrupted him again. 

Adam was all too happy to oblige.

**Author's Note:**

> Please tell me your honest opinions xx  
> Also, while writing this, I got really inspired to write another Pynch fanfiction, kind of based on November Rain’s lyrics, from Guns N’Roses. Would anyone be interested in reading that? Let me know xx


End file.
